Here I am. Bearing a little bit of my sensitive soul.
I make a living from promoting positivity.
I am an optimist, sometimes to a fault.
I fiercely fill my life with colour and rainbows.
I still suffer with depression and intrusive thoughts.
I wanted to write this blog post to acknowledge that social media is only the surface of a person. So here you go. Enjoy these truths from my brain.
Although I make it no secret that I battle mental health difficulties online, I still like making my social feeds colourful and smiley and bright. It is often the case when scrolling through social media that you can feel 'less than.' You are looking through everyones highlight real. Public snapshots of joy in amongst the hidden normal every day.
So I wanted to write this honest post as a 'fuck you' to the curated posts as I don't want to feel like I am contributing to that toxic bullshit.
I think quite often my business can make me feel like 'the happiness lady'. And although I am so absolutely passionate about what I do, that expectation I put on myself can often feel like a lot of pressure to feel happy. Which is ridiculous. If happiness was the only emotion it would lose its magnificent power. But when I feel sad I can often feel so low that I feel like happiness is a distant memory and something I will never achieve again.
I have intrusive thoughts sometimes. Thoughts about not seeing the point anymore. They pop in to my head when I'm doing the most mundane of day to day things. They used to terrify me. But I have since learned to dismiss them for what they are, just a thought. My thoughts can't be bigger than me, they are just rattling around in my brain. I try to take away their power.
When I first started suffering with mental health issues I went on to medication and I had the mindset that one day I would come off the medication and miraculously be 'better'.
Going to therapy made me realise that my depression is a part of me and always will. Therapy has taught me so much about myself. I am an empath and a sensitive soul. I feel everything. I feel love and happiness so strongly but the contrast to that lies with the fact that every low seems magnified and all consuming. Feeling everything so magnified can be such a curse but its also a massive blessing.
So there we go. I love my life and everything I have built. And I often feel so happy. But I cry a lot, most days. I feel alone sometimes. I feel hopeless frequently. But my power lies in talking about it with the people around me, and I am so proud of myself for that.
This may seem a bit raw and unpolished. But that's what I wanted it to be; a reminder that what you see on the surface isn't aways what you get.
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I wanted to express the raw me in some photos and had the expertise of fellow sensitive soul friend Emma (@creativemakeupbyemma on instagram) who made my rainbow tears a reality.
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